Waif Life. Waif Love.

my journey to perfection

I have not posted in a while....because i am ashamed of myself.

I view my relationship with food as someone with a drug addiction. I love it and hate it at the same time. I want it and am repulsed by it all at once.

Trying to do a liquid diet for the rest of the month i think. I need to do something to get the weight off. It is taking over my brain. All i can think about it how fat i look and how horrible i feel and how everyone looks at me and knows that i have no self control.

I will make this liquid diet work. I will. I will. I WILL!

This past weekend was a disaster!
I binged.....on candy.....and fast food.

I feel so bad about it. I feel so bad about myself.

I will never get this weight to come off....I can't be a gross cow like this anymore. It hurts to look in the mirror.

I wish i was my right weight!!!!!!

No good... no good at all.

It doesn't matter what i do. I will always fail.
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Normally i don't like mornings
But today i woke up bouncy and feeling refreshed for some reason! Maybe it's the mani/pedi i gave myself last night.

Anyway...I feel no need to spoil the mood by eating something that will cause me to feel heavy and unhappy.

I am a little concerned about my day later on. I told my friends i would go shopping with them...but I always end up making myself sad when i do that.

They are so tiny and perfect and i feel like a blob next to them. None of the clothes ever fit right and i always end up buying things that look like a garbage bag too hide my body. My gross misshapen body.


Maybe it won't be as bad as i think it will.


Right now...
I was at my studio for a while today. I worked and didn't think about food once!

But then i came home and saw some left over Tom Kha Gai Soup in my fridge. I ate it.

Luckily it wasn't that much and it's pretty good for you. It was mostly broth. One or two tiny pieces of chicken in the bottom.

I feel bad for eating it. I am so week.....so very week.

Maybe i need to spend more time at my studio working if it causes me to not think about food.

Work = brain occupied with something besides food. YES!
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And here we are.
I skipped breakfast today because i was feeling sick this morning. But by the time lunch rolled around i was feeling a little hungry. I waited it out as long as i could until i was sure it was not just a binge craving. Then i gave in and had something to eat.

I did well though. I only had half of a greek salad. and instead of dressing i had a little bit of hummus and some oil and vinegar. It was actually really yummy but now i'm feeling sick again.

It is really hot outside so i think the food sat heavier in my stomach that it normally would. I feel sickly full right now.

The heat is inescapable here. It sinks into the body and takes hold of your very soul! Strangling you until breathing is such a hard task that even that makes you sweat.

It's so hot.

I will skip dinner. Hopefully no one will notice.
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This AM
I woke up feeling sick today. The up side is that i won't want to eat if my stomach is upset!

I will have a diet coke instead of breakfast...I wish i didn't have to go to work today  :/

Current Weight: 157.5 lbs

i don't want my thighs to touch.....

that is all.

How i'm feeling right now...
Today i feel like a big fat horrible pig.

I don't see me when i look in the mirror i see a shadow of who i used to be. I have always struggled with my weight....but not in the way that i have always needed to loose weight. the opposite actually. I have always had an obsession with the perfect weight. A problem. A real problem.

I look at myself and i feel worthless. No matter what i look like.

But the last few years my problems have taken a strange turn. Instead of restricting i have been binging. This is not a good thing.

So now i am going to remember the way i used to be and fix my body!

I will be thin. I will be perfect. There is a perfect weight and i will find it!

Here is were my journey begins and here is where you will find me...and my emotions.

Current Weight: 158lbs.
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